“Would you like me to give you a formula for success? It’s quite simple, really. Double your rate of failure. You are thinking of failure as the enemy of success. But it isn’t at all. You can be discouraged by failure or you can learn from it, So go ahead and make mistakes. Make all you can. Because remember that’s where you will find success.” Thomas J. Watson

Doesn’t this apply to all areas of our lives? Especially our love and relationships?

Sometimes we keep asking ourselves where to find love but we don’t need words — only a sign . . .

Women who are often heard saying, “If he would just stop . . . . or, If he would just do . . . .” You can fill in the blank. In short, women making these type of comments are dating a man for his “potential” not for whom he really is. In 2010 you should make a concerted effort to date a man for who he really is instead of who you think he can become. The truth is, most men are not going to change and if you do not like the person you are with today (for whatever reason) you are probably going to like him even less tomorrow. However, if you truly like the guy you are currently dating as he is right now, right here, you will probably like him even more as time passes.

Dating is not always easy for us — especially if we still have an ex haunting our thoughts. Therefore, once again, you need to do everything you can to get the energy of an old relationship out of your life. You can’t blame the new guy for something the old one actually did to make you feel insecure and/or unwanted. It is only fair, if we are going to attempt to find love again, that we start with a new and clean slate.

And last, it is fine to listen to what your date has to say but put more credence in his words. It is often easy for someone to tell you what you want to hear. It is not easy for that person to do the things that support what they are saying. So although we should always be present and listen to what a man has to say, it is important that we step back and truly “watch” what he is doing.

In summary, be open to who this man truly is. Be sure you have done everything possible to stop comparing a new man to an old one. And last, observe, observe, observe. If you’ll keep these activities in mind, your likelihood of dating success in 2010 will be much higher.

Over and over I keep getting the same questions about the same relationship problems and I want to give you some helpful advice today, right here, right now, for free. Let’s talk a little about what happens when we think that a man is our “forever-after” only to find out that he’s been thinking that we are is “for now” girl. It can be painful and almost devastating to find out that what we thought he was thinking all along was not at all what he was thinking. So what do we do when we find out that for him it has all been just about “having fun for now.”

I don’t want to tell you that what we do is easy, but the process is actually simple. First, I want you to start to think about all the relationship problems in your heart you knew you were having with this man. For instance, you felt like he didn’t call enough, or you wondered why he didn’t introduce you to his family, or you wondered why he wouldn’t take it to the next level even though you’ve been seeing him for over two years. Any of these problems have the same basic root relationship problem and that is the fact that we have most likely been doing the things that create the glue that holds the relationship together. So what do we do to change this?

First of all, we simply withdraw. Yeah, you know, like he does so easily and expertly whenever he feels like things are getting a little out of his control? Well, we as women are going to do the same thing. We’re going to step back and re-evaluate the whole situation. First we are going to write down what we perceive to be our relationship problems. Then we are going to do something really different and write out how we are participating in or perhaps even causing these problems. For instance, are you the one doing all the calling? Do you text him when you haven’t heard from him just to see “how he’s doing?” Do you re-arrange your schedule to make sure you are available in case he calls the last minute? The first step we are going to take is we are going to stop all of those things. That’s right — simply stop. Now I know at this point you are thinking well what if I don’t hear from him or what if I don’t see him? You are fearful that if you stop doing all the work in the relationship it might fall apart. Well, guess what? You might be right. But wouldn’t you like to know whether this is a man who wants you to be in his life forever or simply wants you to be in his life for now? Isn’t it better to know early on in the relationship instead of investing years and years only to find out he never had any intentions of spending the rest of his life with you or in creating a real relationship with you?

When you stop doing all the work in the relationship a couple of things are going to happen. You are actually going to have the time and the focus to begin thinking about yourself again and what is important to you. You might even revive an old passion like writing or singing or dancing and began to feel truly “alive” again. When you let go of managing and controlling a relationship you begin to basically “be yourself” again. And being your authentic self is absolutely imperative to having any kind of successful relationship.

Now what will he do when you stop doing all the work? That is yet to be seen but one of two things will generally happen. He will either truly become fearful that he is going to lose you and step up and start pursuing you, or he will decide he really doesn’t want to be in any kind of relationship with you and walk away. I know it can be scary to think of losing him, but don’t you deserve someone who wants you as much as you want him? Aren’t you tired of all the worrying, chasing, and work involved in managing a relationship where you give more than you get? On the other hand, he may very well make changes when he sees you changing. He may decide he doesn’t want to lose you and start doing all the things on his own that you have been doing for him. Once you stop making it easy for a man, and once you stop solving all the relationship problems between the two of you, he will often take the lead and do exactly what you so desperately wanted him to do all along.

Relationship problems are never easy to face but it is absolutely essential that we do just that. Once you do so, you will begin to understand what it feels like to take your power back and you will actually begin to like yourself again, regardless of what he is doing or saying. There are wonderful men out there who want to work at a relationship as much as you do, but your actions will make a very big difference in what a man decides to do or not do.

Here’s the latest and greatest question from Sally in Oregon:

Dear Betsy,

Thanks, Sally

Hi Sally,
Everyone experiences relationship problems so don’t be so hard on yourself. There are just a couple of things you need to keep in mind when starting any sort of interaction with a man. First, it’s his job to do the pursuing. It’s your job to be open, but not to eager. You don’t want to be hot nor do you want to be cold. You want to be mildly curious. How do you do that?

You respond to his coming forward, but you end the conversations FIRST. That’s right – you end the conversations. Ok, now I know when we have this attractive, fun, flirtatious man in front of us or on the phone, we just want to keep talking and soak it all up. Wrong thing to do. You respond to his efforts for a bit and then you say very nicely, “It felt great talking to you. I’ve got to run. Let’s do this again some time.” Leave him wanting more.

If you are face to face with him, be the first one to leave the place you met him or ran into him. If he asks you to meet him somewhere say, “Sure, it would feel great to meet you, but I only have one hour. I hope you don’t mind.” You’ve let him know right up front that you are a busy woman with options. You don’t have to tell him WHY you only have one hour and as a matter of fact, I recommend you don’t divulge that info to him. Be a little mysterious, be a little aloof. Let his mind do the work for you. When you leave this man, once again, tell him how good it “felt” to see him. Say something like, “Wow, this felt good talking with you tonite. I have to go now. Maybe we can do it again sometime.” You’ve left the door open but you didn’t seem to eager.

I want you to think about the times that a man has told you at the end of the evening, “I’ll give you a call.” What happens? We sit in anticipation, looking at the phone, waiting for it to ring, even though oftentimes it doesn’t. Now, when you are the one that says, “Maybe we can do this again sometime,” you’ve left him in anticipation of what that means and what you are going to do next. In reality, you aren’t going to do anything next. You are going to let him be the one to contact you and ask to see you again. Remember “less is more” and keeping him wanting more is absolutely essential to building a relationship that makes him always be the giver and the one who works at getting your attention.

What do you do when they do contact you? You make them wait. I know, I know – seems like a tough thing to do but trust me, it works as long as you don’t do it so long that he feels rejected. So let’s say you meet him for an hour, you leave with your positive statement, and he immediately texts you and says something like, “Great time tonite.” Don’t respond. Let it sit. The next day, mid-morning or later, you can say, “It was fun.” Now again, he’s wondering why it took you so long to respond — “Does she like me? Is she interested or not?” He’s doing what typically you do if you are the one doing the pursuing.

If he calls you on a Friday or Saturday night, you never answer — plain and simple. You are a busy girl and he is not the center of your world. You can call him back the next day if he leaves a message asking you to call. However, if he calls and doesn’t leave a voicemail, don’t respond. A missed call is not a request to call him back–it’s a missed call and he can try again if he’s that interested. Even if he calls you during the week don’t always pick up right away. Never make it appear as if you are sitting by the phone waiting for his call and remember, always be the first to hang up. Also, it’s important that you let him lead the conversation and do most of the talking.

Follow these simple steps, Sally, and you’ll see your relationship problems turn around very quickly.

The relationship problem solver,
Betsy

I just want to make certain that each of you go to the page entitled “Love and Relationship Advice”. This is a new section where I publish one subscribers love or relationship question each week and provide answers. Most women share many of the same concerns, problems, issues, and fears. By sharing our relationship problems and by sharing my relationship advice, we sort of “pay it forward” to all the women in the world.

So please tune in every week, to read the most recent love and relationship advice column and be sure to share this site link with all of your women friends. And if you haven’t put your name and email in the box on each side of this page, please do so now. I’ve got lots of great free love and relationship stuff coming up that will only be available to subscribers.

Also, if you need relationship advice, please email me at loveandrelationshipworld@gmail.com. Here’s to changing our relationships and changing our worlds!

What if I told you that you could feel confident, happy, and satisfied in your relationship with your man?  What if I told you that you could stop worrying, analyzing, wishing, hoping and wondering about a man?  What if I told you could meet and attract men almost effortlessly?  Well, guess what?

It’s all true.  You can be happier than you ever dreamed possible.

You can watch your life transform before your very eyes.  And when your life transforms, your relationships will transform.

What if having the kind of relationship you wanted with a man was actually easy?

What if you didn’t have to “work hard” at a relationship?

What if you didn’t feel like you had to “change” a man?

What if I told you that all of these things are not only possible, but probable, if you take the few necessary steps to make these things happen.

This blog is dedicated to women who are:

• Trying To Find The Relationship of Your  Dreams
• In a New Relationship but Want to Make Certain It Works This Time
• In a Long Term Relationship but Feeling Disconnected
• In a Marriage that Has Lost All Deep Feelings of Connection and Real Love

You can be loved in a way that makes you happy, content, and passionate.  The steps I’m going to teach you are simple and doable.

With each step you take, you are going to feel more loved, more in control, and most of all, more empowered as a woman.

And, I promise you, the man in your life is going to notice.  Very quickly.

We’re just getting started so check in each day for new and exciting love and relationship secrets that will change your world.